Thursday, June 6, 2013

My Resume/ Matrimonial Ad- Coco

Woof people,

Please forward this advert to all dating sites (don’t forget posting and re-posting on FB) for finding a suitable doggie for me.

Woof's up, lady doggies?! I'm Coco Dwivedi.

I’m Coco, an unusally slight Labrador Retriever whose lean physique and short legs can be blamed on the lineage.

Unlike other Labs, I don’t see too well in the dark, am suspiciously short sighted and my heightened sense of smell is limited to sniffing female doggie urine. However, the lanky guy- I think his name is Doctor- who keeps sticking things up my posterior and takes notes says I’m extremely healthy.

I am a true exponent of non-violence, and have been handled my ass by a cat 1/4th my size, a stray ½ my size, and an invisible devil that appears with loud bangs, mostly in October. I am stronger than all of those mentioned above (except for the mysterious invisible and loud devil) but I choose not to create a violent atmosphere. After all, an eye for an eye makes all puppies blind!

You can almost see the halo behind my head, no?

The fact that I merely want to play is lost on my so called foes, but I always give them the other cheek. Someday, I will win them over. You could call me the eternal optimist.

Why, my stories of compassion are legendary in my extremely large house. There have been instances of a pigeon laying eggs and little pigeons hatching right under my nose, and I have protected them. 

My Crib!

The mommy pigeon has at times mistaken my extremely aesthetic nose as a perch, but I’ve never colluded to harm her. I’ve seen the pigeons grow up as my own, especially since my family members share a common misconception that my sex drive is as low as theirs, and due to that, I still don’t have a family of my own.

Lonely, I am so lonely, I have nobody, of my own!

I absolutely love air-conditioning, and have half a mind to write to the Doggie Prime Minister of K T Village, Vasai road to install Air conditioners for all my lesser fortunate doggie pals living off the street.

I seldom bark, with the grand toto of my barking not exceeding 50, and I’m two now!

I love chocolates on my birthday, on Independence Day of K T Village Vasai west, and everyone’s birthdays and special occasions. To say I’m partial towards chicken would be the understatement of the century.

My Birthday no. TWO Cake! Slurp, slurp.

I don’t take too kindly towards travelling by Car, as I get claustrophobic and nauseous. Rickshaws, I LOVE as I can jut my face out and absorb scenery and let my tongue hang out.

I also love trains! Such shiny rail tracks! I like, I like!

I’m not really materialistic, and have only a leash, a bowl and a bone I call my own. I also have a pillow that doubles up as Playboy for me, but somehow Himani didi keeps snatching it away from me while laughing all the time. Talk about mixed signals from females! That shit transcends species.  

My current Soul-mate- Ze Pillow!

I don’t like Kartik bhaiyya a lot, as he is a disciplinarian and keeps pulling my leg. That does not mean I don’t love him though. He makes me chicken once a month, and he’s the only one who regularly bathes in the house, so I love licking him the most after I've quenched my thirst off the commode. 
Also, I feel safest with him and run to his side whenever that invisible devil (may all the curses befall him) appears!

The Chief Tormenting Officer of my life.

I like to take Himani Didi for a walk (god knows she needs it!) at least 5-6 times a day, a record, I’ve heard in all of KT Village Vasai west!She’s my best friend, and I get really lonely without her. I love her the most! And I’m sure she loves me more than she loves Kartik Bhaiyya!

Dolled up Himani Didi. No wonder Kartik bhaiyya keeps gifting her stuff!

I know Baba does not like a lot of my Emran Hashmi style smooching so I give him his space. He is always welcoming me to his air conditioned room and does not disturb me during my afternoon siesta. He loves me in his own way, which is amply clear by the dollops of chicken he gives me daily!

 Yes, he is a bit lazy and does not accompany me for as many walks as I would have liked, but he’d kinda old and laid back, so I compromise. Compromise is my middle name.

This ij BABA!

I’ve got two more siblings, Jyoti didi and Anant bhaiyya. I love chewing on Anant bhaiyya’s shoes as they always smell weird, and I hate that. I rarely pee in my house, as I like to take my business outdoors, but if I fancy a pee in the house, Anant bhaiyya’s bed is THE spot. He’s a pansy, and in spite of trying to sound like a tough guy and shouting on me once in a while, I don’t take him seriously and off the 50 barks, 45 have been on him. But I NEVER, NEVER bite. Not my style.

Jyoti didi is my friend. She’s constantly giving me a manicure or ridding me of bloodsuckers. When that Kartik bhaiyya took me away to a dungeon (thank god it was at least air-conditioned), she stood by me.

Jyoti Didi!!!

I initially misunderstood that Kartik bhaiyya wanted to send me away, but later realized that I was sick and need care. So I love Kartik bhaiyya again.

Brrr! The Dungeon! The AC was the saving grace though.

I don’t like all the children that keep clinging to Himani Didi, especially the short, weak ones that need to be carried all the time! I mean, come on! You've got two decent paws, USE THEM! Hey, honesty is the best policy, right?

Kids! Aargh!

I’m still not completely clear about the female doggie anatomy and sometimes mistake male doggies to be females. I’m hoping to resolve this issue at the earliest.

One of my greatest achievements till dateI’ve turned two dog fearing kids into dog loving kids with my playfulness and non-violent streak.

I’m on the lookout for a doggie mate, preferably a female one, and want to start a family of my own. Screw that, honest to goodness, I just wanna get laid! I’m tired of just looking at Kartik bhaiyya and Himani didi, I want some!

I’m a clean, clean hearted, lovable doggie with a good family of dog obsessed critters (sadly, not so obsessed with dental hygiene) and would love to start a family with you. Any takers? 

Ma Peeps!
You can woof me at 9004492811/9867575608/9960090982/9960090830 

(They’re all my peeps. The first one is Kartik bhaiyya’s. Be nice to him if you don’t want to go to the dungeon! The second one is Himani Didi. I could loan her to you if you fancy taking her for a walk. The third one is Anant bhaiyya. You’re more than welcome to boss over him, pee on his bed, and chew his things. The fourth is Jyoti didi. I’m not gonna share her, sorry.)